To my dear adoring fans:
Apologies for not blogging for the last month or so. This is the result of a popular new trend which I have recently discovered called "high school". It seems like pretty much every teenager has become involved with this trend. I am not exactly sure why it is popular, but somehow, I have become obsessed with it.
One of the popular things that people do in "high school" is something called "homework" which sometimes (again, why is this so popular?) involves sitting at a computer for HOURS and typing away. And I really don't feel like doing more typing than necessary, but unfortunately for my *fans*, this means no blogging.
So, I would like to say NOW that while writing blog posts is FUN, you may not be getting much from me.
Anyways, today's topic is: Epic action scenes.
As many of you know, if you ever had to write a story, nobody wants to read something where people go to a park, play some orderly, organized game such as croquet, and then go home to have a nice cup of tea and wish they had ended up as characters in a more interesting book. No. Of course not. Your story needs some ACTION! You need to keep your readers hanging on every word. Consider these examples:
WRONG: One day, Bob and Jane decided to go to a park. There, they saw some people playing croquet so they decided to play too. Afterwards, they were tired so they went home and had a nice cup of tea while sitting in nice, comfortable chairs.
RIGHT: Bob and Jane were having a nice day at the park. The sun was shining and the birds sang and the little children played happily on the playground. Then, all of a sudden Bob heard a strange noise. "Did you hear that?" he asked Jane.
"Yes. It sounded like a giant toilet," she said. (Although, in real epic scenes, the characters usually don't describe things as sounding like toilets. Especially in fantasy, where most of the time modern toilets haven't been invented yet. I don't even want to KNOW what their toilets sounded like)
The two stood up carefully from their park bench. All of a sudden the world seemed darker and the air seemed colder. Bob and Jane looked at each other fearfully. Then they began to creep towards the sound.
Soon they had arrived at the source of the sound. There, on the ground in front of them, was a smooth gray object, about the size of a person, with three colored dots on the front.
"That's a weird looking water tank," said Bob. (This is usually where the characters will make a 'no duh' statement such as this).
"I know. Maybe we should poke some of those colored dots," said Jane. (A 'no duh' statement is sometimes followed by a statement that makes your character seem to have the intelligence of a turnip. Though this is not necessary) She bent down to poke the red dot, and as soon as she did, a hatch appeared in the top of the capsule. And out popped: a toilet. (And no, in real books, it usually isn't a toilet, it's usually an alien being or an Evil Death Robot From Space).
"Run!" shouted Bob, for the toilet was obviously not a toilet, but an Evil Death Robot From Space disguised as a toilet, for the handle revealed itself to be a laser gun and when the lid of the toilet opened, it had a row of teeth around the edges.
The teeth snapped and the laser gun fired off random bolts of red energy as Jane and Bob hid behind a tree. "We should be safe here," said Bob, but as soon as he said it, the toilet began to roll, Dalek-style (You don't know what a Dalek is? Oh dear. And you say you have a well-rounded education!), towards them. It fired more lasers, and Bob and Jane ran off towards the playground, screaming at the small children to "RUN FROM THE EVIL DEATH TOILET FROM SPACE!" (to which they respond, "Oohh, a rolley toilet thing! Hey look—AAAHHH MOMMY! It's shooting people!")
"To the car!" said Jane.
"No!" shouted Bob. "It might shoot my new car! It's a Lexus 283937iii Power PlusXL! It cost $642,000,000!"
But then the toilet, chuckling evilly to itself, adjusted the aim of the laser gun and shot directly at Bob's car, hitting it right in the Turbo-RS Mark 23 42-capacitalator engine, and causing it to explode in a shower of $43,000-each paint chips.
"My Lexus 283937iii Power PlusXL!" shouted Bob, and began to cry.
But there was no time, for now the Evil Death Toilet From Space was coming towards them, and it was leveling its gun at Jane and now AAIIIEEE! It's firing and—
See, much better! Now you really want to know how it turned out, don't you? You wanted to know if Jane got blasted by the Evil Death Toilet From Space and if the little children survived, but most of all you were hoping beyond hope that Bob's new Lexus 283937iii Power PlusXL was insured, and if so, whether or not he got a new one.
Well, I'm not going to tell you, because contrary to popular belief, I actually have a life outside of blog posts, and I need to stop.
Although, I have to admit, writing that toilet story was really fun.
